Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Fourteen: Envy

Before I was Lust. Just because I asked everyone else what sin I was.  Wrath (Pride), Wrath, Sloth, Gluttony were already taken.  We were all broke so Greed didn't fit with our personality.  And no one wanted to call the other envious.  So, Lust I was.

Now, however,  I'm more Envy.

And the internet is a horrible place to have Envy as your vice.

People publishing. People having books come out.  Awards won here and there.  Job interviews scored. Relationships blossoming.  Going to readings. Being invited to events that either you can't attend because you're too busy or you'd be too tired to attend, but look at them happy faces.

There's a huge part of me that knows that I don't deserve it, I have to earn it.  No one is going to come up to me and say -- hey, we think your writing is good enough to publish, let's go.  But there's that tiny part of me that wants the easy way out.

I've thought about deleting all social media: Facebook, Blogger, Twitter -- for the sake of sanity.  But, if I do so, then I'll go further into my own delusions and mindset.  I'd rather be envious of someone's success than be in my own echo chamber (ironically, blogging, is somewhat an echo chamber, but less so than keeping it inside).

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